Day 125-Nearing the next phase in my journey.
Not my final video on the juice fast, I will be making one more after we return from the Pacific Coast on 11/15.
Day 107 Change your mind, Change your life
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It’s confession time. 107 days ago, I woke up feeling tired. The night before, after eating “pretty good” all day, I had indulged in a midnight snack that left me feeling overfull. The midnight snacks usually started innocently enough. A couple days a week, after a glass of wine, or a rum and (diet, of course) coke, my resolve to stay “on plan” would fade. Sometimes it would just start with a second helping of dinner. The moderate portion I had eaten with my family would look like the tiny little sister to the enormous bowl I would heat up. Sometimes it would be a chunk of cheese and a brick of saltines. Sometimes it was much more…unusual. I still believe whole heartedly that I have to work much, much harder than the average woman to lose weight. I can say that with certainty because I have tracked calories and macro nutrients for years. I have had weeks and months of staying on plan with a 1500 calorie diet (without the evening binges) and not lost what science says I should lose, or even close. But here were times, more than a few, when I was consciously aware that what I was eating was horribly wrong. I think I am capable of consuming an extraordinary amount of calories. I am embarrassed to name some of the odd combos that made up my worst binges. Bread, butter, cold cans of soup, flavoring packets from boxed dinners (like those little packets in rice-a-roni or hamburger helper or the dust in the bottom of a Doritos bag), any kind of cheese, peanut butter, cold leftover casseroles, salad dressings, any meat in the fridge, chips… It’s only in stepping away from the old habits that I am able to really see how damaging they were. After consuming several thousand calories I would fall asleep with terrible heartburn and wake up loathing myself for having failed again. I’d have a night like this at least once a month.
It was like once I started, I had to keep eating, to eat everything I was missing while trying to stay on plan. Leave no cheese unsliced. Somehow these binges usually resulted in a 3-6 lb weight gain that would take a few weeks to undo, at best. According to science, I should not have been able to gain that much from the calories I took in, but somehow I did. My dysfunctional relationship with food has been a battle my entire adult life.
So back to 107 days ago…I made a simple decision that I was done losing the food fight on a regular basis. Done letting food “happen” to me and affect what I was capable of. Done being destroyed emotionally, mentally and physically at my own hand. There was the tiniest spark still glowing that said “You are better than this”, a spark that I believe was very, very close to extinction. I feel now, looking back, like I chose to live deliberately from that day forward.
By tackling a juice fast through the most challenging of circumstances; parties, restaurants, convention, road trips, motorcycle trips, weddings, accidents…I have proved to myself that I am capable of caring for my health no matter what curves life throws my way. Never again will look at an occasion, no matter how large, as the reason I HAVE to eat poorly. I may choose to eat something, but never again as a victim of the occasion. Making good food choices and controlling portions will never be as rigid as juice fasting, and I have done that.
I CHOOSE to feel good, rather than indulge in processed, high-fat garbage that barely qualifies as food. I simply love how my body has responded to the challenges of exercise, and I will keep pushing those limits as I become an athlete. I CHOOSE to care for this body, and treat it well. I want to fuel it with the best available choices.
If you have toyed with your health and fitness as I did for so long, give yourself the gift of making a decision to stop playing around and make it happen. The “brain space” that my health and weight used to take up was enormous. Every plan, every event, every meal was clouded with my constant thoughts of what I was eating or would eat, what I looked like (and how much I hated that) and who would see me looking so terrible. I can identify, within a few pounds, what I weighed at any even in the last 25 years. Its indelibly written on my conscious. I still don’t like how I look, but I KNOW its temporary. I am on my way to the best shape in my life and I will live at that fitness level from now forward.
Stop avoiding mirrors and cameras, stop dreading the next time you fail.
One of my favorite quotes is from Shawshank Redemption…”Get busy living, or get busy dying”. I FINALLY am busy living.
Day 105/126, down 76 lbs.
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I must start by apologizing for the long absence. I have been getting several emails a day asking me if I am ok, or if I quit juicing. The answer to that is a resounding “No”. I started a 4 week sprint last Monday, basically to amp up my exercise and see if I can get my total loss up to 90 lbs for the whole fast. I am currently at 76 lbs lost, down to 233- my lowest weight in nearly 8 years. Its hard to believe I now only have 3 weeks left of the fast. In some ways its scary, because THIS is working and I am hesitant to have to make new choices every day. I have decided to stay raw vegan for at least 90 days after the fast is over. I will eat only whole, raw fruits and veggies and I will continue to juice as I feel like it. I think my long term diet will have to be very close to this, in order to stay lean and not gain back the lost pounds. I cant say that I am committed to being forever vegan, as I didn’t make this switch for ethical reasons. I have said over and over again that if I could stay lean and eat steak and potatoes, I would. I don’t know if I would be motivated to eat RIGHT if I didn’t have to. I guess only time will tell.
I do know that I feel better than I have in many, many years. I have clarity of thought that has been gone for close to a decade. I am able to focus on many things at once and accomplish them in less time than it used to take me. My memory has improved, my vision has improved, my sleep has improved. All of this and I still have almost 100lbs to still to lose! What new accomplishments and victories lie in the months to follow?
I started exercising on September 5th. A short 6 weeks later, I am astounded at the capacity of the human body to heal, to grow and to improve.
Last night, I did my first crossfit workout. For those of you who don’t know, Crossfit is a high intensity strength and conditioning program. The “workout of the day” yesterday was this:
Run 200 meters
do 20 pull ups
Run 200 meters
do 20 push ups
Run 200 meters
do 20 sit ups
Run 200 meters
do 20 squats
Repeat 5 times and record your time. It took me 59 minutes.
I had to modify (Crossfit calls it scaling). I swapped out lat pull downs for the pulls ups, bench press for the push ups and I had to use the elliptical instead of the treadmill as I can’t really run yet. The bottom line (no pun intended) I did it. I completed all five rounds and increased intensity at the end. 200 meters is about 1/8th of a mile, so at the end I had done 2.89 miles on the elliptical at the highest resistance.
This was my 5th or 6th time in the gym, and I noticed an ease of movement that has escaped me for nearly a decade. I don’t really know how to explain what I mean. For so many years, I have felt very heavy walking anywhere. Not just weight wise, but my steps and my movements have felt uncoordinated and heavy. Trudging, lumbering with heavy steps. Last night as I was weaving in and out of the equipment I felt a smoothness of movement that I recall from when I was in good shape many years ago. Then however, I was much smaller. Its great to have that (or be getting that back) now, so early in my journey. On the way out to the car yesterday in heels, I realized I was no longer fearful of falling. That may seem odd to even have to think abut, but the last few winters here the trip from the house to the car in the snow has always been fraught with a fear of falling and really getting hurt- knees, elbows, hips etc. I am happy that I won’t be as apprehensive in my steps this winter.
Actually last Friday, I had a bit of an epiphany while grocery shopping at Walmat. I left Hugh with the cart partway through the trip so I could hit the bathroom. When I was walking back, I kind of broke into an easy jog. I remember just a few months ago that when I thought of Walmart, it was with dread for the pain I would be in just walking around there. I remember driving around the parking lot, scanning for the closest space so that I wouldn’t have to walk any extra. Now, that isn’t even a thought, unless its to park far away because I want the extra exercise.
Unless you have lived it, its hard to comprehend the pain associated with obesity. For me; foot and knee pain, intense heart burn, regular headaches, sore back, swollen legs…and its all gone. I can’t even imagine feeling any better than I do now, yet I know my health will keep improving as long as I continue to care for myself properly.
If you are thinking of making a change, wondering if this can work for you DO IT. Get through those first few weeks of cravings and hunger pangs and change your life. You deserve it.
Day 86 An Excercise in Mobility
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I now have less than 6 weeks left to go until the end of my juice fast. That seems like so little time! I really am trying to am up the loss to see if I can take another 30 off the last 6 weeks. I have been stuck at 67 lbs lost for several days, but I am not discouraged. I have added exercise in a big way, and I am proud to say I have met my weekly goals for minutes without any problem.
9/4-9/10 Goal 300 Actual 240
9/11-9/17 Goal 300 Actual 310
9/18-9/24 Goal 360 Actual 430
9/25-10/1 Goal 360 so far 130 with 230 still scheduled.
I am doing 4 miles of walking 3 days a week and 3 days of Zumba. I have joined a Zumba challenge that give points for every half inch lost and every class attended between now and 11/20. The zumba is SUCH a hard thing for me to do. The dance moves are far from natural (for me) but every time I feel like I get a little closer to how it will someday look.
The human body has a simply amazing capacity for recovering from the abuse we inflict on it. I cannot believe how each walk, each workout, my endurance improves and I can go a bit farther. I can’t believe how with each Zumba, I find just a scoch more rhythm and flexibility.
This photo is of my fruit for this morning’s juice all prepped and ready to go. It was a tasty new combo made with pineapple, grapefruit, apple and orange. The guys added a banana and blended, I just had the clear juice.
This weekend is our annual Oktoberfest, and I will be preparing several classic Bavarian dishes, as well as serving some fine microbrews. With less than 6 weeks left on the fast, I am not at all tempted to cheat, and I am looking forward to next years party when I will be at goal.
Juice Fast day 80- Negotiating the Curves and Slaying Dragons
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I took my second Zumba class tonight. I rode there on my motorcycle. Cheyenne, my gorgeous and brilliant daughter rode on the back. These three sentences could not have come out of my mouth just 90 days ago, they would have been foreign and left me puzzled.
My best bud, Nita, joined me and made it an even better evening. We both sweat like crazy, and did our best to keep up with the amazing instructor with the magic hips. Raine and Cheyenne have picked up a lot of the moves and they enjoyed it, too. The final song for the cool-down was Pink’s “Perfect”. The group stretched to the ballad, and as it came to the chorus I felt my eyes fill with tears, totally unexpectedly.
The sentiment expressed went straight to my core. It’s something I have fought a losing battle with my entire adult life. I am not much of a softie. I think of myself as pretty tough. I don’t get weepy at movies very often and at times I have wished I could express myself more warmly, had more empathy- for someone going through a difficult time. I can tear up being happy, but very seldom for being sad- with one exception. Without fail, if someone tell me something along the line “you are good person”- I lose it instantly. Its an uncontrollable response and if I think something along that line is headed my way, I make myself scarce.
My best bud, Nita, joined me and made it an even better evening. We both sweat like crazy, and did our best to keep up with the amazing instructor with the magic hips. Raine and Cheyenne have picked up a lot of the moves and they enjoyed it, too. The final song for the cool-down was Pink’s “Perfect”. The group stretched to the ballad, and as it came to the chorus I felt my eyes fill with tears, totally unexpectedly.
Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than
less than perfect
The sentiment expressed went straight to my core. It’s something I have fought a losing battle with my entire adult life. I am not much of a softie. I think of myself as pretty tough. I don’t get weepy at movies very often and at times I have wished I could express myself more warmly, had more empathy- for someone going through a difficult time. I can tear up being happy, but very seldom for being sad- with one exception. Without fail, if someone tell me something along the line “you are good person”- I lose it instantly. Its an uncontrollable response and if I think something along that line is headed my way, I make myself scarce. It hurts, because I want so much to believe it’s true, but the person I am deep inside does not believe that it’s truly possible.
I have made some mistakes and decisions as a teen and adult that hurt people. I logically know that I can’t live life looking in the rear view mirror, and that the person who made those mistakes and decisions was hardly more than a child. Emotionally though, that person is still me and I doubt that she deserves to be truly happy.
I think the reason that the lyrics affected me so much is that with the weight loss and reaching out to things I haven’t done before…I am feeling better about who I am, and I guess it is not comfortable yet.
On the way home, I embraced the experience of riding the motorcycle, leaning into the curves and feeling the wind and the ambient heat from the pavement. When I started riding, I was very aware of the limits those curves placed on my speed. I was diligent about slowing to the suggested speed, knowing that would mean I could successfully negotiate the curve. As I became more comfortable, I knew I could ride through them safely at 5 or 10 miles over the suggested speed. That still meant a quick glance down at my speedometer to make sure I was within the range of comfort before entering a curve.
Last night was different.
Last night, I realized I didn’t have to check my speed. I instinctively knew how to guide the powerful machine through the course I had chosen. I was no longer being limited by what the signs said I was able to do. I was defining my own comfort zone.
In a strange way, I am at that same point in life. I am reaching out for things that I thought I could not do. My previous mental limits were set by my own perceptions of the experiences I have allowed to define me.
A cocky PE instructor, asking offhandedly if I could tell the difference between left and right ‘in a pinch’ has made me second guess my instinct for 30 years.
A thoughtless ex, mocking my lack of natural rhythm, convinced me I couldn’t dance over 20 years ago. I have never tried again.
Inappropriate innuendo and comments, made by friends after my previous weight loss, allowed to believe that my desire to be fit meant I was shallow and lacked character.
When I really examine these experiences, it’s hard to believe I let them push me into a corner that made me so miserable; that I gave folks who really didn’t matter so much power over who I was and who I thought I COULD be. I guess the comments fed the doubt monster, and while I didn’t want to believe it, it was safer than attempting to prove it wrong and failing.
I know that in order to successfully conquer my demons, I have to quit treating these isolated experiences like speed limit signs that govern what I am capable of. I WILL become capable of more than I have allowed myself to hope for.